There Is No Girl or Boy In The Word Team

As the mother of a little girl who currently plays baseball on a boys team, I was extremely upset and disappointed by the story of Paige Sultzbach. She plays second base for Mesa Preparatory Academy's baseball team and is the reason they were unable to compete in the final championship game. The key word being the pronoun, "she." That's what caused the trouble--that three letter word. You see, because those three letters didn't equal the amount of letters in the word "he," there was an issue. That seems silly, doesn't it? But it might as well be the reason they gave which seems just as inane and unfair.

Ultimately, Paige's team did not participate because of the opposing team's religious doctrine which does not allow for co-ed sports. And, somehow, their religious belief trumped the legal right for her to be on a baseball diamond with the boys. According to Title IX, Paige is entitled to play on a boys team because there was no equivalent softball team for girls at her school. As a result, legally, she was able to try out for the boys' team and was deemed good enough to compete and did.

This was of no consequence to Our Lady of Sorrows Academy, which follows the doctrine of a conservative sect within the Catholic Church. They made this statement on behalf of their decision to forfeit the championship:

"This decision is pursuant to school policy which rules out participation in co-ed sports.

This policy is consistent with the traditional approach to education. As a Catholic school we promote the ideal of forming and educating boys and girls separately during the adolescent years, especially in physical education.

Our school aims to instill in our boys a profound respect for women and girls. Teaching our boys to treat ladies with deference, we choose not to place them in an athletic competition where proper boundaries can only be respected with difficulty."

As a woman, this is difficult for me to absorb. For one thing, does anyone else believe that the word "respect" here is being misused? Here is the definition of respect: Esteem for a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability. I'm sorry, but Paige's "sense of worth" and "personal ability" were not being held in any amount of esteem by Our Lady of Sorrows. Instead, she was viewed as less-than, as too fragile and delicate to cross the boundary of home plate (although I'm sure it would have been okay for her to clean home plate). Furthermore, the parochial school contradicts itself when it says that they are teaching boys "to treat ladies with deference." Treating ladies with deference would mean that they actually "defer" judgment to--clearly, this was not the case. According to Hugo Schwyzer in his article, "When Manning Up Involves Pushing Women Out," this denial of female athletes competing alongside the boys can be attributed to "the longing of too many young men for all-male spaces, in which they don't have to compete with women as equals." Perhaps Our Lady of Sorrows does not, on the surface, believe that they are simply afraid to lose to a girl, but, from a psychoanalytical standpoint, I'm sure there is some truth to this.

There are some who actually defended Our Lady of Sorrows' decision saying that, at the very least, they stood up for what they believed in by upholding their principles; however, I see things differently. Don't get me wrong--what Our Lady of Sorrows does on its own campus, within its own policies specific to their student body and their parents, is their own business (I don't think it shocks anyone to know that a Catholic institution is sexist). Where our opinions diverge is at the point when making that decision affects numerous others who do not have the same belief. If they opt to not have girls on their boys teams, so be it. But why should they be able to penalize a team outside of their school that does not hold the same belief? 

I also wonder what Our Lady of Sorrows' baseball team took away from this. And how will it affect the way those boys view girls and women? In the end, do they have any idea of what it takes for a girl to be on a boys team? Do they understand that it's not just about proving that girls can compete at the same level as the boys, but, from the girl's perspective, it involves the anxiety of being psychologically and socially accepted? Paige herself said that she went as far as to tell her coach to use the term "guys" when addressing the team--that he didn't need to recognize her separately as a "girl." What does that say about her state of mind that she felt she had to deny her sex to fit in?

I'm sure these are questions that Our Lady of Sorrows would prefer never get asked or answered. Obviously, they didn't care that their decision hurt not just Paige, but every boy on both teams who put their heart and soul into reaching the championship. In the end, Paige's team did win the title, but there was no glory in it as it came by forfeiture. Nobody "won." Personally, I think Mesa would have whooped Our Lady of Sorrows butts--indeed, they had already beaten them twice in the regular season. In those games, Paige sat out as a show of respect for their rules. It's just too bad they couldn't have shown her the same respect.

"To The Queer Kids Of The United States: Amendment One Is A Form Of Bullying"

[This post is by Lyla Cicero. It originally appeared on the website RoleReboot.org and is being reposted here with her permission.]

In response to North Carolina's vote yesterday to define marriage as between "one man and one woman," Lyla Cicero sends a message of support to all the queer kids of the state and the rest of the country, comparing the decision to a form of bullying.

This letter is to all the queer kids, the gay, lesbian, and bi kids, to the young adults who identify as transgender, genderqueer, pansexual, and/or androgynous, to the questioning kids, to the kids who were born intersex, to the high school and college kids in North Carolina and around the country. This is to the elementary and junior high kids who are gender variant. This is to all the kids who don't fall neatly into the categories of "man" or "woman" or whose sexual and/or affectional orientations aren’t exclusively toward someone who falls into the opposite neatly-defined category.

Yesterday, a group of grown-ups voted overwhelmingly to use constitutional powers in the state of North Carolina to define marriage as between "one man and one woman." These were no doubt many of the same grown-ups who for much of last year were all riled up about bullying in schools and teen suicide. As you probably know, the state had already used its constitution to ban "same-sex marriage." Apparently it was not enough to stop gay folks from marrying, the voters of North Carolina felt the need to be absolutely sure there would be no way you would share equal rights, through civil unions, or any other measure. Instead of democracy being utilized to protect minorities against hostile majorities, in this case, it is being used to legalize discrimination. If this was really about marriage and its meaning, why not stop at a marriage ban? This is bullying pure and simple.

When I was in high school, there was a rule that in order for a same-sex couple to attend the prom, they had to appear before the principal, "explain the nature of their relationship," and get permission. According to Wikipedia, bullying is a form of "aggressive behavior" involving "intimidation or coercion" that is often characterized by an "imbalance of power." Our school administration had more power than students, and was coercing same-sex couples not to attend the prom by setting up an intimidating situation. What high school couple, gay or straight, would feel comfortable having to explain "the nature of their relationship" to the high school principal? Grown-ups can bully kids as well as other kids.

That was 16 years ago. I would like to think that if your school principal made rules at your school blatantly intended to bestow certain privileges on straight kids, and outright deny them the queer kids, grown-ups would be up in arms, civil rights lawyers would be on call, Change.org petitions would be circulating, and YouTube videos would be going viral. What if the football coach decided to require you to be straight to be on the team? What if the criteria for being on the honor roll necessitated being cis-gender? What if thegraduation requirements included "gender normative behavior," clearly identifying you as “male” or “female?” Adults would never stand for other adults bullying you in this way and stomping on your rights. And yet...haven't they? Denying crucial rights of being able to protect yourself and your future family sets up a series of intimidating situations. These scenarios, like not being able to come to your partners aide at the hospital, facing loss of rights to your own children, and financial discrimination, are meant to coerce you into gender and hetero-normative behavior. 

Amendment one is bullying, pure and simple. It may not send a kid to the brink of severe depression, or worse, the way daily threats and slurs by other kids could, partly because, as young people, your peer group is so critically important. However, amending the constitution of a state to make sure you will not have rights that straight people have adds to an atmosphere of coercion and intimidation. Any grown-up who doesn't see that is kidding themselves. Perhaps when they cast their ballots yesterday, North Carolina's adults weren't thinking about gay kids sitting in their rooms contemplating whether it's preferable to live in this world queer or not live in this world. Perhaps they were picturing other adults who those voters imagined could weather that emotional burden. Perhaps they were not thinking of human beings at all. Perhaps they think that by passing this law they will somehow prevent or contain your queerness, but we know that's as absurd as thinking keeping you ignorant about sex is going to stop you from having it. Eventually it is going to occur to you that our society is bullying you. The emotional toll of living in a society that would amend constitutions to deny you rights and the inevitable outcome that will have for some of you will be blood on the hands of those grown-ups in North Carolina.

I know what you're thinking, queer kids. How are they even going to figure out which relationships will count as "one man and one woman"? Will transmen count as men? Where will the line be drawn? Will full gender reassignment surgery and hormone therapy be necessary to be considered solidly within one or the other gender? Or will natal biological gender stand no matter the steps one has taken to change one's biological sex? How will a natal woman who identifies as male but doesn't have a penis determine who he is legally permitted to marry? Thus, does this law actually also require one must be cis-gender to marry? What about the almost 2% of North Carolina's population who were born intersex and thus don't fit biologically into male/female categories? Will they be allowed to marry anyone? No one? What about the folks who identify as genderqueer, androgynous, neither male nor female, or both male and female? Will these folks be able to marry?

I don't need to tell you the answers to these questions, because you already know. The answer is they don't know. The answer is many of those grown-ups who are so enraged about kids being bullied don't even know these identity categories exist. Perhaps they've never sat and talked with someone who is suffering the torment of feeling her gender identity does not fit with her biological body? Perhaps they've never considered that male and female might not be neatly defined, discrete categories for everyone in society? Perhaps some of them are themselves transgender, gender variant, or were born intersex, but feel you should live your lives in silence and conform to gender norms as they did. Perhaps they believe by stopping you from marrying, they can force Pandora's box closed and never have to wrestle with any of these questions. But they can't, because of you. 

This is not one of those letters apologizing for the bigotry and ignorance in the world you are about to inherit. It is a call to action and a recognition of your tremendous power. The balance of power may lie with the bullies now, but that is going to change. Many of you voted and advocated against this amendment yesterday, and many more of you will be voting soon. You young people are overwhelmingly more likely than your parents and their peers to support equal rights. You are thinking outside the gender binary and questioning traditional notions of identity with language and ways of being that are not even on the voting public's radar yet. As more parents demand rights and respect for their gay and gender non-conforming kids, and as you all become increasingly empowered, your voices will become louder. Through natural demographic shifts your numbers and the numbers of your allies will increase. As you continue to use the Internet and social media, tools you utilize better than any of us, that power imbalance will start to shift, as you become more and more visible. So if you are feeling bullied today, I want to validate that feeling and say that yes, you are being bullied, but it is not forever. It gets better. You are going to fix this. 

Lyla Cicero has a doctorate in clinical psychology, and focuses on relationships, sexual minorities, and sex therapy. Lyla is a feminist, LGBTQIAPK-affirmative, sex-positive blogger at UnderCoverintheSuburbs.com, where she writes about expanding cultural notions of identity, especially those surrounding gender, sexual orientation, motherhood, and sexuality. Follow her on Twitter @UndrCvrNSuburbs.

Not "Just As Good"--Just "Good"

Have you noticed that whenever a girl or woman is spoken about in the context of doing something typically considered unfeminine, or somehow outside the realm of a girl's world it is immediately and inevitably followed by, "She's just as good as the boys," or, "The boys got nothing on her," or, "She's doing great for a girl!" As if we should all be surprised by a girl's ability to stand with the guys on equal footing or that a girl's performance must be justified when excelling in an area that is perceived as being reserved for males.

My daughter ready to play!

The critique, at first, seems like a positive one, right? I'll admit--I've been guilty of saying it before . For instance, my daughter, seven-years-old, is the only girl on her baseball team--I have definitely found myself saying "she's just as good as any of the boys." And many have made that comment after watching her play. But I'm going to take that back and say something now that might seem biased--she's not "just as good as"--she's damn good...for anyone! She's a great fielder and swings a mean bat. She's focused and determined--and loves the sport. Is she the best on the team? No. Is she the worst? No. That means that there are some boys who are better than her, and some who are not as good. So how does that situate her as being "good for a girl?" Would anyone ever say about a boy who isn't as good as a girl on the baseball diamond that he "doesn't measure up to the girls?" Or, "he's pretty good for a boy!" Hell, no!

Lately, I've been posting stories about girls who play sports on boys teams. Here's an actual headline that I saw posted this morning: "Houston girl, 7, gives boys run for their money on baseball diamond." That's it--that's the story. This kind of attention is incessant and happens throughout women's lives--it's not just when a girl plays sports with the boys. It reaches into adulthood. For instance, if a girl goes into science or engineering, if a woman becomes a CEO or shows strength in the boardroom. It's a constant reminder that, while we've come a long way, we are still struggling to be recognized as being "just as good." I wonder how this affects a girl psychologically? I think it can create anxiety, an inferiority complex, and self-defeatism. Think about how many more girls might actually try out for little league if there wasn't this stigma attached?

I'm all for encouraging girls and women, but I believe that when it's not news that a girl makes it onto a boys baseball team, or a woman becomes the CEO of a huge corporation, is when we will inherently know that girls are just as good as boys. When we are free from the simile and the words "just as good" become just "good." 

A letter to Mr. Harris (Pastor of Berean Baptist Church, NC)

Dear Mr. Harris (sorry, just can't bring myself to address you as "pastor"):

Someone sent me the link to your tirade on innocent children yesterday as I own a company that advocates for children, especially girls. My company, Princess Free Zone, Inc., is all about providing girls greater choice when it comes to allowing them the full freedom to be who they are.  

Of course, like many, my initial reaction was one of disgust and anger. Listening to your hate-filled speech made me sick to my stomach. You see, Mr. Harris--my daughter is actually one of those girls you might label as "butch" in that she does not particularly take to skirts and dresses. Or anything girly. She is only seven years old. She loves sports and is currently one of the only girls playing in her baseball league.

According to you, Mr. Harris, I should force her into doing things that are already very much in opposition to who she has clearly shown herself to be. She is a human being, not a robot, not a clone of me or my husband. She is a child, but she is very much her own person--even at this young age. The idea of forcing her to do things she absolutely detests would not be in her best interest (and has been shown to have extremely harmful long term effects) and would surely break the free spirit she is.

I'm not sure if you are a parent (and if you are, God help your children), but my belief is that, as a parent, my responsiblility lie in guiding her to the best of my ability while allowing her to be her true self. I can tell you that she already "smells like a girl," and "dresses like a girl," and is "beautiful" because she IS a girl--just the way God made her--not your completely narrow-minded and limited version of what a girl should be. We are not all here to please you, Mr. Harris. 

Many have made the comment that you are probably a closet homosexual given your obvious homophobia. Perhaps your own father broke your "limp wrist" and punched you in the face when you exhibited a desire to hold a baby doll. Maybe your own children have not lived up to your idea of what a boy or girl should be. If that's the case, there is absolutely no way that you could want the very best for them. You see, you can't tell your child they can be anything they want to be and then turn around and say, "you're a girl, you can't," or "boys don't do that--be a man." Sorry, it doesn't work that way.

Ironically, in the age of the Internet and YouTube, you cannot keep your abhorrent, wretched, and abject thoughts to yourself and a small flock of sheeple. The world now knows that you are a sad excuse for a pastor and a person who preaches violence against children. And watch out, because there are many of us--individuals and organizations--who are out there working tirelessly to combat these messages of destruction and intolerance. While we may not reach everyone--we ourselves have the power to preach the empathy, compassion, and tolerance that you so obviously lack. We will continue to speak on behalf of all the children who you believe should be "reined in," or beat up. And we don't need your special "dispensation" to do so.

Even though I am not the most religious person in the world, and whether or not you ever see the light or reach the promised land, I will still pray for you and those like you, Mr. Harris. Because you are deserving of pity, not hatred. 

Sincerely,

Michele Yulo

President, Princess Free Zone, Inc.

**This letter was sent to Mr. Harris c/o Berean Baptist Church, Fayetteville, NC on 5/4/12**

We're Not the Bad Guys, the Executives at Disney Are

So much has been written about Disney, girls and their love of all things princess, but it's time to address the epidemic of inflamed comment threads we're seeing that pit moms against each other over this topic in a rather unhelpful way. It has us a bit confused, and more than a little concerned. I suppose because we're both in our mid-40's, we can remember a different era than can be recalled by younger mothers today. Yes, we remember being children and reading Disney books, seeing Disney movies in the theater and pretending to be princesses.

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PFZ at the Global Health and Humanitarian Summit

[This was the talk I gave recently at the Global Health and Humanitarian Summit which was held at Emory University in Atlanta in April. I was honored to be asked to be on the "Helping Humans Get Along With Humans" panel.] Life never travels in a straight line. Go ahead, make a plan. Plan your future just as you see it—and I can almost guarantee that you won’t end up where you thought you would. That’s what happened to me. In 2008, I was working a regular job, dropping my three-year-old daughter at daycare in the morning, and going home in the stultifying Atlanta traffic every evening. Then, in Sept. of that year, the banking industry took a nose dive and, having worked in the hotel real estate industry, I found myself in the second round of layoffs at my company. My boss looked like he might cry as I signed the separation notice. I called my husband on the way home, picked up my daughter from daycare thinking, “I’ll find another job within a few weeks—no problem.”

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The Princess-Bride Syndrome

You may have heard about the latest dieting fad that is sweeping the wedding industrial complex. It involves using drastic measures to shed those pesky extra pounds enabling the bride-to-be to fit into the dress that she, apparently, purchased two sizes too small so she could have the body she always wanted for ONE day! You know...the BIG day. I have to admit--this one is just plain scary to me.

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When Princess and Non-Princess Worlds Collide

A few years ago, and right before I started Princess Free Zone, my non-princess daughter got invited to a princess party. The invitation said to "dress as your favorite princess" and that the Disney mermaid princess, Ariel, would be making an appearance. Now, for some girls, this might seem like a dream come true. Not for mine. This definitely presented a bit of a sticky situation for Gabi, and I wasn't sure if she would want to attend, but I left it up to her. We discussed the party and the friend--she wanted to go because of her friend, but wouldn't dress up. There was not a lot of wiggle room on the directive to dress like a princess so she wore pants and a tee.

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A Tale of Two Pairs of Sneakers

Two different pairs of sneakers. One, a Darth Vader design--the eyes light up. Very cool. Another, a pair in bright turquoise with streaks of fuchsia--also cool. Does it matter who is wearing them? Both are awesome sneaks. The first are my daughter's. She loves Star Wars and thinks Darth Vader is fierce. We found them at a discount department store. When she saw them, she had to have them. At first, we couldn't find them in her size--but she wouldn't give up until we finally found a pair that fit her.

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Odd Parent Out

Isn't it interesting how we struggle with our own identities through our children? We want them to be like us. By that, I mean, our vision of who we are--you know, all the good stuff. I know that as my own daughter has grown and developed her unique sense of self, her individuality, her very strong-willed personality, I have always looked for those moments of me in her. Maybe this is partially due to the fact that she is practically my husband's born-again twin (my husband is already a twin, by the way). She looks so much like him--it's eerie sometimes. Once in a very blue moon, others will say, "Oh! I see you in her now!" She'll turn a certain way, or give a little look--sometimes I see it in pictures. She has some olive green in her eyes--they are not completely brown like my husband's and I think, "There I am." I even went to the baby pictures to find one of me that seemed to resemble her as if to say, "See...we are alike!"

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